Why going abroad is the best experience you can have: a parody

Why going abroad is the worst best experience you can have.

Warning-the following is a parody of “why going abroad is the best experience” blogs out there. It is not meant to hurt any ethnicity, sex, age and other bullshit problems of yours. Sit your ass back down and read on.

Firstly, I would like to thank my mother whom I have constantly disappointed and freeloaded for the past 24 years of my life. I would like to thank my sister who freeloaded my big fat ass until now. I love you guys, so don’t kill me.


 

I never imagined that I will be one of those lucky ones to fly to the land of the Civilised, land of the best education, land of dreams. England.

Ah, yes. England, where women wear chicken feathers on their head and horse fat on their butts! Such class and fashion which basically tells us that we can never do better than them.

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Now, that’s what I call a shat

And who can forget their tea? Their horse piss of an excuse of delicate tea. It’s a must-try for us all. If you haven’t tried english tea, then you have tried nothing at all.

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Horse piss
tea anyone?

England has taught me so much. I have never seen so many white people in my entire life! We Bangladeshis worship white skin so much as so that you will even see adds like these in our media!

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Great, no? So, imagine my fantasies coming true. It was like living within the lightbulb.

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When you move to a different place and live all on your own, it’s like restarting your life. Like a new baby in a diaper full of poop but this time you have to clean it on your own, instead of depending on your mommy who used to clean your grown ass. I took this freedom to get to know new cultures and most of them became my facebook friends whom I stalk all day hoping they would notice me, liking all of their pictures from 2008.

Not just new cultures, but other things too! You have to manage your own money instead of having your daddy dearest to swipe his credit card for your ass! It is such a valuable experience to bust the tables and constantly being reminded that you’re a worthless piece of shit. So, don’t be afraid as life is about experimenting and constantly hoping that you’ll be Bill Gates one dayyou, worthless piece of crap.

And food! What food! There is no food, you, silly little scum. You’ll have to live on those shitty little Tesco’s rice korma and curry cause they are the only things your arse can afford. You’ll never have the luxury to try foods of different culture. Forget French, Italian, Spanish or German. You’ll be lucky if you can afford Indian!

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I had the luxury to try authentic English food, which is basically for the homeless in this country.

But don’t forget to have fun, as your life will come to an end very soon and you will always wonder why your dreams never came true. At least, you’ll be able to tell your village that you flew on a plane and went to England. So, it’s not all bad. You’re just a poor little dirt sucker.

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Multi-Level-Marketers are F*ckers (Dhaka version)

Jobs, which is a necessity and I will not waste my time defining it. The job market has become so competitive that qualified candidates will take up just about any position to fill their resumes and it’s not their fault. I, myself, am in the same position. However, this post will not talk about the job market, rather the jobs which are scams and the actual jobs out there. The reason this topic came up was because of a personal experience and I feel the need to call out on this BS companies. I will just jump to the story.

So, the company’s name is Zenith Group, which, I believe, you will find this if you google it.

zenith

So, it seems that they are huge and a genuine company. Maybe they are genuine, but their practice is quite shady to get employees. So, a family member was looking for a part time job and this was what he saw.

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So, seems nice. Part-time flexibility and what not and decent pay and even I was tempted to call them. So, I encouraged my family member to call the company and upon calling them, they called him and trained him for the position “Branch Manager” for 3-5 days. Of course, this seemed like a good deal, considering the fact that he was only a College student and not even an undergrad, also that he did his college in the UK. So, we thought, why not? However, things took a shady turn on the last day of training when they called him in the office and told him this:

“You have to pay around 50,000 Taka in the pension scheme.”

He asked. “Why?”

They said, “Well, this is how it works in Bangladesh.”

He thought, Did they think I’m a fool just because I studied in the UK for about half a year? I know how the job market works in Bangladesh.

They continued bloating with smugness and said: “People pay 22 Lakhs in our pension scheme to work.”

He had enough by now. Travelling to their training centre in the middle of the summer to hear this BS, really pissed him off. He straight up told them, “If I had this amount of money, I wouldn’t be here to ask for a job and I lived in Bangladesh all my life. I know how the job market works here.”

He said goodbye and came home.

The point is, maybe people do pay to work there and maybe this is how it is but, come on. I’m an employee too. I have a full-time job too. We know how the system is. Don’t think of us as fools. It clearly looks like a Pyramid Scheme, gathering employees as customers. I call BS to this.

Jobs are hard to find and I know the feeling. I’ve been unemployed before and for 6 months! But there are other ways to deal with this shit and not give in. These Multi-Level-Marketers are F*ckers! Seriously, they are F*ckers! You can do anything else but give in to these A-holes.

You have many many options, trust me, you do. Why don’t you provide private tuitions around your area? There are sources like Dhaka Tuition. If you don’t want to share your first month’s salary, then try private connections to get tuitions. Call a friend or a family member to see if someone needs it.

Dhaka Tuition

P2P tuition

If you don’t find one or you lack the confidence in your ability to teach, then take up assignments. There are many many students in colleges who need their assignments done. You can either do this through private connections or you can find small businesses that provide work for you. However, they pay really low. Businesses like Assignomania and Excellent Assignment (or Harbinger assignment) are good places to start. If you hard headed and can negotiate with the prices, then this is your way.

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Don’t want to write? Fine, try call centres.

Don’t want to work in call centres? Try the KFC, FFC, Pizza Inn or any other fast food shops to work. They pay well, starting from 10,000. Always attend their interviews in formal wear. They take your presentation really seriously. Don’t know how to approach them? Send your CV through their email, FB inbox, call them or even visit them if it’s near you.

You have BD Jobs, on the other hand, which is good for professional jobs, but you have to be really really patient with the responses.

If you want to approach a company directly then you can always drop your CV in their career portal. Many companies nowadays have developed career portals on their website, such as United Finance, Banglalink, Grameen. I’d suggest United Finance’s portal because they call you within 2 weeks upon seeing your CV and if they think you are suitable for a position.

United Finance

Of course, this is not a ‘one-size-fits-all’ advice. Different things will work for different people and you have to utilise what you have around you. Maybe there are no shops around you to work in or call centres are not suitable for you because of night shifts or tuitions are not feasible for you. You know what will suit you. Measure the distance, time, salary and societal factors if they matter.

Just don’t fall for these MLMs. They are F*ckers. Stay away from these shitty people.

Note-Do not write comments like “Please help me find a job”. I will flag you immediately. And secondly, you can ask for further sources but don’t expect me to spoon-feed you. You guys are smarter than this.

Charcoal peel off mask: painful beauty trend

This is going to be embarrassing…

We South Asians “Love” East Asian products and we smack them all over our faces to look white as them. Admit it, we all want to look a little brighter than our actual complexion but I won’t get serious with all ‘colourist’ subject. I will be reviewing one of ‘dem’ products and no…it is not this product.

You may have used this or at least seen it. They are very popular in the South Asia, especially in Bangladesh.

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I will be reviewing something else, something that as caught my interest. While my stay in the UK, I caught wind of this product and decided to buy it. I actually bought two of them and both turned out to be very useful.

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The first one was One1x from Portsmouth and it cost me £4 and the delivery was free because it was in the UK.

The instruction was to wash your face with warm water, better to wipe the face with a hot wet towel to open the facial pores. I dried it afterwards and then put it all over my face and below was what I looked like.

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Yeah, not pretty. I hope my family doesn’t see this and make fun of me.

My father had a good laugh after a long tiring day and my mother almost spit out her tea. My brother took the opportunity to take my picture and sent it to me. He kept a copy too. The layer should be thick if you have South Asian skin because…he he…our skin carries a lot of oil and gunk. At least, mine does. I had to apply it thickly and let it dry, which only took 20 minutes and then pulled it from the bottom up. But you can peel it off however you like or feel satisfied with.

Ultimate Satisfaction by Kayla Jay

But be careful…don’t even dare putting it near the eyebrow. I learned it the hard way when I pulled it off. My god, it hurt. I screamed from the bathroom while pulling my dear skin off the face, especially from my upper lip and from the tip of my nose. If you have hairy upper lips…shave it before using this…advice from your sister. So after peeling it off, this was what I found.

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Mostly hair, I would say rather than white heads. (That’s my brother, btw, who tried it himself and liked it. He uses it with me now.)

So, after this product finished, I bought another one. This one was from China…so it was the real thing.

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This was not as black as the previous one. In fact, it was more toxic and more glue-like. It smelled so bad and it almost burned my nostril. My little nephew hated the smell of this one. He liked the previous one. I did not take any picture of putting it on my face but I did take the after effects.

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As you can see…it actually pulled out some gunk from my face. Whitehead…disgusting, disgusting whiteheads. It was stronger and cleaned more. It also hurt more. Oh well, here’s something satisfactory to watch.

Peel porn

I just love watching this…

Do I look like Khaleesi yet? Blonde in Bangladesh

 

You have seen Americans, Europeans, East Asians and hell, even African people bleaching their hair blond. Some of take the bold steps and they carry it off pretty well. We all wanted to make our hair as white as Khaleesi (don’t you dare deny). And why not? it looks damn good on a lot of people. However, it takes a lot of love and care to maintain the bleached hair and making sure that it looks as shiny as possible. It might take a toll on your purse, though.

You might think that they can easily bleach their hair because of the availability of cheap bleaches in parlours and online. Therefore, they are easy to get and they can get to experiment. But that is not the point of this blog. The point of this blog is to ask whether you have seen any Indian/Pakistan/Sri-Lankan or any other South Asian bleaching their hair yellow yolk like. Maybe you did but it kind of looks like this:

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This ain’t exactly blonde, at least not the blonde we want. South Asians often think that the colours that suit them most are brown, burgundy, mahogany or red. I’m sure that it might look good on us Indian skins but I’m kind of sick and tired of these colours. So, I decided to take a bold step and bleach my hair bright yellow…and the response was not so well in the beginning because we South Asians tend to be pretty judgemental to something different.

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This was the initial tint of the first bleaching: bright orange.

I admit, it was a bit difficult for me because people were quite harsh on the changes. Some of them went full hardcore to discourage me, calling me names and what not. Well, welcome to the society. However, the people in the UK were quite welcoming to this transition and since my mother liked it, I started to ease up with myself.

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This was the second phase after second bleach, yellower than before. And the black from the scalp was already coming out. My hair grows really quickly.

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Third time bleaching after a month and at this point it was not going white than this due to strong melanin in my hair. The parlour lady told me that it was impossible for me to bleach anymore and my only option to make it look whiter was purple toning shampoo or dye. So I tried just that and the disaster was big.

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Oh. dear, the shame. My head looks like it could melt with the sky behind me. Oh, well, got to live with the mess I made. Do I look like Khaleesi yet?

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Of course, the dye didn’t stay long and the yellow returned and this time, with the black. At this point, everyone had settled down with the look and I decided to make it look good. Halloween time!

Conclusion: You can do whatever you want but since you want to know whether the risk is worth it, I presented my experience as a Blonde Bangladeshi girl. This can persuade you or dissuade you from bleaching. The rest is up to you.

So you think you are set? No. Getting a part time job in UK

So, you apply for your tier 4 visa after successfully showing the bag load of money in your bank account and you finally get a visa. You fly to the UK with great expectations to immediately settle in nicely and maybe even find a nice part time job which pays at least £10. Guess what buddy? Prepare to burst your bubble. While I cannot say anything for London and other cities, I can tell you about Portsmouth and Bournemouth. The first thing you need to know is that if you want to earn some cash in hand, you need to apply for an NI (National Insurance number) AND before that you need to get your Biometric residence card (This is as important as your passport).

What a BRP looks like. Ugly right?

 

It will take at least two weeks  to get your BRP card and you can receive it at a given address which can be the post office or somewhere else. Your visa documents will state who to contact regarding the card, so keep them with you and careful with them. After you get your card, you apply for your NI which can take as long as three months, which means, you’ll be a sitting duck, literally because no place will hire you without your NI number. You need to contact the Jobseekers to get your NI number for which they will make an appointment. It can be anywhere.

Mine had to be picked up from Southampton and then I could apply for part time jobs. Another thing, make an appointment for opening a bank account as quickly as possible. It could be any bank and they will tell you which account you will be qualified for as an international student.

But wait…the trouble does not end here. Even then you may not find part time jobs because…reasons. You may either be underqualified (for coffee jobs, really) or overqualified, or underskilled or whatever reason they see fit. I couldn’t score a decent Costa job because ‘I did not qualify for their super skilled job’. This will seriously demotivate you as you will keep spending but get nothing in return. Money can bring that kind of effects.

If you get a part-time job at a shop, pharmacy, the university (I highly doubt) etc, you are good, but if for some reason you can’t (like me), then sign up with the staffing agencies like Blue arrow, Best and Forte and other staffing agency. I highly recommend that you register with them for waitressing or warehouse jobs or even carer jobs (keep in mind that you have to have a Complete Background Screening or CBS for carer jobs for which you have to pay extra £50-£60 because it is mandatory).

I worked as a waitress because it was nearer to my skills and I lied that I had experience as a kitchen porter, serving dishes and making coffee. Basically, these agencies text you with available work with time and payment (always ask what the payment is. It should be £7 or more) and you respond to their texts or email and they tell you the mode of transport (maybe they will take you or you have to go there on your own). They will give you a timesheet which you have to get signed with date by the employer at the designated place and you email them the scan of the paper. This is very important because, without the paper, you will not get paid. At the end of the week or beginning, you will see money in your account.

One more thing, before you register for any job, get a work permission letter from your university and give it to your employer. You are responsible to give them the letter, they will not ask you to do so and keep tabs on your time of working. As a full-time student, you won’t be allowed to work more than 20 hours a week. If you exceed, you won’t be paid for the extra work, so keep tabs.

Tips-get letter for making a bank account, for part-time jobs and Schengen visa (if you want) from the university.

Applying for a university for masters: what you have to look into.

Studying masters in the UK is a common dream and I have personally seen parents sending their kids abroad for a prestigious masters degree. I was no different. My mother assumed that having an English degree would benefit me when I returned to Bangladesh, which is true, generally but the price to have that prestige is high. The knowledge is common that local students in the UK have to pay £3000-£4000 annually and for international students like us, the price is four times. My tuition fees annually were £12,000 which is equivalent to 12 Lakhs (depending on the currency rate).  This is just the tuition rate. Your bank has to have extra £8000 for living costs. Some universities’ tuition fees are £18,000, imagine the burden of such expenses on parents.
Now, if you think that you might be eligible for a scholarship, I will tell you that it depends on the universities. Bournemouth University allowed me £3000 from £12000, based on my academic merit, and I very well know that this scholarship will soon be removed because a massive amount of students achieve 2:1 in their bachelor degree. The requirement may also be increased to 1:1 or distinction. I was lucky enough to apply at the right time. Other scholarships include the Commonwealth and Dean’s scholarship which either require a distinction academic record, or a superb application or some very special talent. How many of us have that? I applied for a Dean’s and was rejected because of the mediocrity of my application. How do we know what they want in the application? We all write the same thing, so we might never know. Those who do get it, I congratulate you, please do share and help us, average students.
Now back to the topic, so unless your parents are financially stable to send you abroad, you might need to calculate and research your chances of showing that amount of money in BDT for at least a month in your bank. If your parents or you have not that kind of money, I suggest you work hard and save up however you can. I have seen people working their butts off, giving private tuitions and working many jobs to pull that amount off. You can decide what to do depending on your situation. I am unable to advise anything because I am not in your shoes.
Try out the scholarships, bursaries and external scholarships available on the university site, but chances are slim because they are very competitive. Other advice would be, try not to choose any university in London because everything is expensive there and you may not have enough. Perhaps, your savings can allow you to study somewhere around the country, such as in Bournemouth, Portsmouth and Brighton etc. They are beautiful places and you will be able to manage your expenses better and might have a wider and easier access to scholarships based on your academic results (which you don’t have to apply with a superb application because I suck at writing applications).
Another tip: Some subjects are more demanded and valued such as sciences and technology. Try to target these subjects rather than business, law or commerce.
P.S-I am unable to provide any opinion on undergraduate because I have not studied undergrad in the UK.

Coming to UK as a Bangladeshi student: an introduction

Coming to United Kingdom is a big deal. A lot of time and money is invested behind your study and your necessities. Luckily, my mother was here with me. She has been living here for the past 10 years with her Welsh husband and therefore, I did not have to pay for my food or accomodation. Not everyone can have that. Accomodation and grocery costs alone will empty your wallet.
This is what Taka looks like. It’s equivalent to £5, after Brexit i.e.
Pounds are very expensive in terms of BDT and £80 a week is almost a month’s allowance in Bangladesh. Therefore think twice or thrice before applying to UK as a tier 4 student because your expenses will keep increasing. My blog may or may not help you but it will give you an idea as to how to manage the expenses, look for a part time or full time job. This blog shall not give any consultation of any sort and only an opinion which you may choose to take or ignore. I shall not be liable for any outcomes.
So keep reading as I will start from the beginning with every chapter/content as to how I managed my costs and how others around me managed their expenses.